Christian Dating

#4

In seems impossible in contemporary society to even toy with the idea that dating may be wrong. Let us cast our minds back, however, a couple of hundred years ago, or, in fact, back 2000 years ago, to the time of Jesus. From the Bible, we can gather, albeit loosely, that marriage was arranged, intimacy before marriage was frowned upon, and there was little talk of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Furthermore, it seems as though commitment always preceded intimacy.

In Western culture, the idea of arranged marriage seems oppressive, against all notions of love, and a violation of any freedom that we have. Yet it is only in Western culture that these views exist. The majority of cultures today still promote arranged marriage, and the culture in Jesus' time certainly did. It was only if the 'passion became too strong', that one should get married. Only after the marriage, could any passion be consummated.

This makes sense, to an extent. To become intimately involved with another requires a certain degree of vulnerability, trust, and sharing of self. Without commitment, it seems rather silly to engage in a deeper relationship. Even today, with our liberal thinking, most would want to be 'dating' before kissing, and dating for a while before going further. Can it therefore be said that certain levels of commitment allow certain levels of intimacy?

Let us look at commitment first. Various definitions give insight as to various meanings of commit, including 'to bind', 'to pledge' and 'to give in trust'. To be partially committed, however, seems to be contradictory. To say 'I am committed to you, unless', 'I am committed to until', 'I am committed to you for a year', or any other variant upon this theme, seems to negate the very nature of commitment. It appears as though one is either committed, or not. This is perhaps where the first point of confusion in a Christian relationship occurs: 'we're not married, but we are committed.' What does that mean?

To base our relationship on the ultimate commitment, that of God to us, seems to rely upon a covenant structure, rather than a contract. A contract is of course broken as soon as one end fails to meet their end of the bargain. A covenant, however, remains in tact. Demonstrable by that fact that 'while we were still sinners, Christ died for us'. Marriage mirrors this sentiment in its vows 'to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do we part'. Commitment which is not 100% seems not to be commitment whatsoever.

Some would thus argue, that no intimacy should occur until marriage, and few still would hence argue that this includes emotional intimacy: the sharing of deep secrets, and of that which makes us most vulnerable. This said, however, in a friendship, there exists a certain intimacy without any commitment at all; in a close friendship, there exists only implied commitment, and yet a deep intimacy. The pain suffered from a split of this nature would be comparable to that suffered in a broken relationship. No wise man would counsel against friendship, so perhaps emotional intimacy should be encouraged before any sense of true commitment.

A relationship where sexual desire exists, however, that is emotionally intimate, struggles without any physical intimacy, which draws us to another interesting question. Are there varying levels of physical intimacy, or are they all so closely connected that they can be considered one? A passionate, long, deep kiss, could mean so much more than quick sex. Quite probably, the meaning of the physical intimacy would be directly proportional to that of the emotional intimacy. As such, perhaps the yardstick should measure how intimate, rather than the act itself. Does this then allow non-intimate sex? By no means: such a thing, if it exists, cannot be healthy. It does, however, indicate, that intimacy can be a problem without venturing into what is generally considered to be physically intimate.

Where then does this leave the crux of the matter: should Christians date? It seems as though the question remains, although some guidelines may arise. Don't become so intimate that if the relationship ends, you would be deeply and permanently scarred. Do not arouse love until it so desires. Ensure that there is some form of commitment, if only the exclusivity of the partner at the present time. Get married sooner than later.

Mr Grey