Christian Dating

#5

Dating's a harsh, cruel, and bitter mistress. But people tell me it's fun - so I attempt to join the party. As far as i can see, there are 3 major elements to a "romantic" relationship: Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, and commitment. The balance of these three things, I believe, is vital to a healthy relationship. Let us look at some types of relationships that are around us.

1) The one night stand/Sex buddies:
These "relationships" have a high level of physical intimacy, usually a low level of emotional intimacy, and an extremely low level of commitment. I'm reminded of the first episode of Grey's Anatomy (the only one I've seen), where after waking up together, one of the "lovers" asks the other their name. Such a relationship has no long term potential, and as such, is embarked upon lightly (where serious things are involved). God's glory is not considered in this kind of relationship.

2) Pseudo Marriages
This kind of relationship may hit alot closer to home for some of us. If we haven't been in one, we probably know others who are. They can happen alot around the church. These relationships have a very high level of emotional intimacy, a lowish level of physical intimacy (making out, hugs...), and a mid to high level of commitment. That might sound ok, but high emotional intimacy and commitment crave sex. And fair enough. A solution is just to get married, and have sex - a viable option (the apostle Paul recommends it). My opinion is, if you're not having sex - your relationship shouldn't be mega intense. If you get to a stage where you start to think: "I love this person - I don't see what's wrong with having sex" - then get married. If you're not sure that they're the one, however, then your level of commitment isn't ready for sex.

The questions "should christians 'date'?" and "is courting a better option" are interesting, but the difference between them is, in my opinion, semantics. The question of what this looks like is more important.

Friendship: All romantic relationships should start at friendship (i.e. you should know them, and get on with them). At this stage emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and commitment are all fairly low. There are often hugs and high fives involved, but not much else. We share with each other stories, and talk about how stuff's going, but don't go much deeper. And while we can't really "break up" with our friends, we can start to phase them out of our lives.

Early dating: This next step starts with an upage in all three areas. We start sharing more about ourselves with the other person (but still hold alot of stuff back). We may start holding hands, or do the old arm around the shoulder at the movies. Commitment, too, goes up. More time is spent with the person, and while at the friendship level we don't have a problem with our friends going out with (dating) people, we might now want the "special someone" to only be holding hands with us.

Mid dating: Again, more of the three areas. We share more, we touch more, we are more commited. These continue to increase until marriage.

Marriage: Before marriage there should be a level of all three areas that we don't breach. In emotional intimacy, there should be things about ourselves that we don't share with our fiancee's (one fiancee per person). In physical intimacy we should hold back our bodies to some extent (i.e. no sex). There should be a level of commitment that isn't reached until marriage - you should be able to break up with your fiancee the day of the wedding (before the ceremony), if that's the right thing to do. However, after marriage, couples should be free to share all of themselves, emotionally and physically, being confident in the strength of the relationship.

These aren't rules - but I definitely believe that it's important to have a balance between commitment, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy.

As for dating in the church, it's hard. It's hard because it's good to start off casually - low levels of all three. But there can be a pressure in the church when people start dating (this can be fuelled by gossip, grrrrr). My thoughts are, keep it casual, and build the relationship - don't have really high expectations for the relationship, but have high expectations of your behaviour in the relationship. Whenever i'm encountering a potential partner, my prayer is always "God, give me the strength to act with integrity in every situation".

My prayers are with you all in such an endeavour as this.

Mr Black