Christian Dating

#6

ok a brief word on Christian dating, perhaps a few more later...

I am a strong advocate of Christians dating! I believe that many churches and Pastors misdirect many young Christians about Christian relationships, to the detriment of those young Christians. I have heard Pastors say that you should just find someone and marry them, that theres no need to be selective; or that our desires for specific qualities in people aren't relevant or important or are "un-Christian" ideas to hold. Heres my view - Christians are not merely spiritual beings, therefore to say that we just date on the basis of someones "good heart" or " great personality" is nonsense! Thats about as logical as the statement "if you can't love the one you want, then love the one you're with." The Physicality of another human being, and whether we find them attractive, beautiful, desireable etc...are very important and shouldn't be shunned, as all too many a truly "spiritual" Christian does, as simply being the worldy ideas that have lead to all of our world's problems with body image etc...i also believe that making sure that someone complements the other person (emotionally and spiritually) is also very important, and all of these factors should be taken into consideration before a long term relationship and definatley before marriage are even considered. Hence why dating is such a vital part of the descission making process for relationships and eventually for marriage, for it allows for this process of initial inquiry, but protects us from receiving deep wounds. Soloman wrote many many verses about the physical beauty of his wife in the song of songs, and his wife spoke also of his. God is the creator of physical beauty, as well as emotional and spiritual beauty, so we should not seperate these, as if physical things or physical beauty is not important, for the talking down of the physical is not Christian, its gnostic, and it is a heresy in the eyes of the church.

Dating should be non-committal, casual with established boundries that set out what is acceptable behaviour in order to protect the parties that are involved. It should be about getting to know people on a one on one basis, without crossing into physical contact, like kissing etc. Because that sort of stuff is reserved for a committed relationship that will hopefully begin after a period of dating different people where you come across someone that you have decided to enter into a relationship with and the feeling is mutual. So if i can use a shopping anology, and i think i can...dating is browsing for clothes, going out with someone is buying the clothes and marriage is putting on the clothes, and breaking up is - taking the clothes back to the shop within 10 days to receive a full refund! And i know we've all been put back on the clothing rack a few times in our lives?

So dating is not some worldy meat market that focuses on the really attractive people getting together and all the unnatractive people miss out, as it is so often portrayed by the Church. Rather it is a safety measure to allow people to get to know each other one on one, but still allow for freedom to not go any further, which is so much more caring that going out with someone for a month, being physically intimate and getting our hearts all involved, and then figuring out that we don't want to go out any more, or finding out that they don't want to go out anymore, so we break up and people get scarred. Yet this is the model that the Church has been promoting, and we wonder why our churches aren't getting along as real communities; well one reason may be that its because they're full of broken, rejected people that once went out with each other! Because the system of relational interaction that the church offers is flawed, because it doesn't allow for people to explore relationships, it only allows for singleness or full committment, which is rediculous. People change their minds, they don't see a persons real character for about a month in a relationship, and then feel trapped because they've made a committment - especially if the person they're dating is a part of their social group and breaking up with them may lead to them being isolated by other members of the group. Dating helps to minimise hurt and complication, it doesn't irradicate it, but it allows us to take a risk, and yet have a safety net, and thats what getting to know people should be like.

The only loving thing to do is to establish with a person an honest and open dating relationship, where each party catches up one one on with different people at the same time, getting to know them, but still maintaining those boundries so we protect our hearts (Prov 4:23) as God tells us to. And in the end some people may be a little dissapointed that relationships didn't eventuate, but its a much more loving system than the heartbreak that errupts from the constant break up of committed relationships that happens in churches at present. And at the least we would all get to know each other a lot better, and have some great memories of hanging out together, that may lead to some lifelong friendships!

Mr White